feeling - 
05.07.2022
fancy seeing you here!
it has been quite a while....... oops. i didn't mean to forget about you but i guess i just did. i've been really unmotivated as of late and i am just struggling to, like, get up. yk? it's really late and i should honestly be sleeping but i'm not. but now that i'm thinking about it i am kind of tired..... i'll just finish writing this and then i'll go to sleep !!
i wish i didn't overthink so much. i wish i could just be oblivious like everyone else i know. whenever i talk to people about it they always just say it's because i'm more mature. but i don't like it. i just wanna be a dumb obnoxious self centered teenager. is that too much to ask for????
totally unrelated thought but i wonder if having this diary will like affect me in the future. like digital footprint and all that ?? kinda scary to think about ...
i really don't have anything else to say tn so,, i guess this is the end ! i'll try to update this in a few days :) see ya later.
04.18.2022
hello internet! happy easter if you celebrate it :)
nothing super entertaining or exciting happened but i don't really have anything else to do so i'm updating this.
i went to my dads gfs house for the easter weekend and it was mostly okay. i did have some pretty bad breakdowns while i was there but i got over all of it. i feel kinda bad for my dads gf because tbf i am very weirdly up and down when it comes to her. sometimes i will be okay with her and sometimes her entire existance makes me want to throw up. which isnt fair to her at all but...... whatever i guess
tw sh for this - i feel like something that isnt discussed enough is jealousy for people with sh issues. like its honestly something that nobody even knows that if happens but it's very real for people who are struggling especially now with the internet and discussion on sh to be so easily found. this isnt at all related to what i was talking about earlier but i am slightly disoriented and just not in the best of states to be writing something that makes sense. you know what? i'm just gonna end this now. bye guys!!
04.14.2022
changed the theme of this page !!
i was originally going for a sort of diary book theme but... i found it kinda annoying to have to do so much updating every time i make a new page so i'm just doing it like this, with one page and a REALLY LONG scroll bar B)
today was fine, i guess. to be honest, the day was fine and it's me that messed stuff up. one of my friends kept making self harm jokes and it really bothered me. he knows i self harm, but still chose to make jokes about it in front of me. of course, i didn't say anything about it. it's fine.
okay, this is totally unrelated but- how tf do i learn to get along with my friends friends??? for some context, i am a very clearly introverted shy person. the type of person to actually enjoy a library. and my school is filled with obnoxious, hormonal, loud, generally annoying boys. my best friend is one of those boys- and so are all his friends. BUT THE THING IS! my best friend is different. he actually cares! or at least he cares about me. whenever we are together he is much less.... like his friends. but the problem is that his friends will randomly tag along with what we're doing, and i can't really prevent it !! i want to have a civil conversation with my friend and then the guy behind us is shouting and grabbing my friend and throwing him into the lockers or something ?!?! i guess i'm really being pretty stereotypical but i don't care. really, it isnt a super big deal but it bothered me today so that's why i am writing about it.
i should probably stop writing this now, because i still need to get all my old journal entries that i archived and put them on this page. so, i guess that's it for now :)
04.07.2022
hello internet. it's me again!
april is my truama month and I had my first half serious breakdown today. i mean, i knew it was coming some time i just didn't know when. if anything, i'm kinda proud that it happened a whole week into the month.
it really isnt the truama itself that is doing this, it's everything that goes with it. the endless doctors, medicines, 'i'm here for you' messages, even when you both know damn well they aren't *actually* there for you.. it feels like it's drowning me. i just want to be done with all of it, and i just want to relax and try to be normal. i don't want to talk to the therapist. i just want to pretend i'm like everyone else.
i'm just tired. i don't even know how to describe this feeling anymore.. it's like i'm being taken over. like it isn't actually me in my body. like my grief is holding me hostage in my own body. i feel like a liar for even existing. i walk around every day like i'm normal but inside i'm a depressed freak.
in other news, i found out that my major surgery is estimated to happen in 9 months. 4 months ago they told me it would happen in around 6 months. i'm so pissed off, and there's nothing i can do about it. i have been trying to plan my life around this massive event and i don't even know WHEN the event is happening. i'm just stuck stressing about it for another year.
it's late, and i need to rest. i'm not doing any other updates to this for now, i'm just publishing this and walking away. hope whoever is reading this (if anyone even is reading this) is having a nice day, and i appriciate you for listening to my dumb rants lool (04.14.2022 edit - my surgeon actually called me and said the surgery could be happening in 3 or 4 months. so i really have no idea. woo!! )
04.05.2022
today was ok. i hung out with my best friend (fp?) today :) !!
i really like him , and i think he's probably one of the best things in my life; but i feel like our relationship is causing me a lot of mental struggle.
i care about him so much that i put him before i put myself. i always think about him and i am probably tiring him a lot with my constant messaging and general pestering .. i'm extremely paranoid and i don't know how to fix it . i'm constantly asking him if he likes me, if he's tired of me, ect- it's probably very draining for him, and i honestly wouldn't blame him ;(
the thing is though- i wouldn't be asking him this stuff if i didnt think it was true ! i find myself overanylizing everything he does and then taking that and tricking myself into thinking he hates me because of something small. it's like i'm literally drowning in my own thoughts, but i know my brain is telling me lies but i can't help but believe them.
for the past few months i had really thought i was showing a lot of bpd symptoms and i was almost certain i had it but now i'm thinking i might have c-ptsd ..... i wonder if you can have a 'fp' with ptsd? i really dont see why not because if it's a bond created by truama and fear of abandonment i experience both of those.. or maybe there's just nothing wrong with me and i'm just an obsessive weirdo thats in denial and calling my creepy tendancies possible bpd. i have no fucking idea.
i'm not going to do any other updates today, it's kind of late and i'm a little tired so i just wanted to write for a few minutes :) might post something tmrw, idk yet lols